Posted in parenting, ridiculousness

You’re Out of Your Mother Loving Mind

I’m filing this one under “parenting” and “ridiculousness.”

I caught this gem of a segment on the Today Show this morning. I have enjoyed being able to watch this morning show during my summer hiatus from work, but this segment was just too much for me. At first was I like, cool, my kids go back to school next week, I’m all for good ideas to make it better. And then I watched it and I was all like Tamron, I like you a lot. You’re my favorite Today Show host. But are you for real right now? You love this idea? Seriously? These are top tips?

Make the transition back-to-school go smoothly! Top tips for parents, kids – Parents – TODAY.com.

I think this lady is from crazy town. No one is going to wake their kids up to music and signal them in this way to know what to do in the morning. Is this for real? So ok, let me get this straight. Finding a song on your phone and playing it loud enough for your kids to hear is easier than just saying to them: “Brush your teeth before you knock someone out with your nasty breath!” Or. OR! Your kids just get used to the routine every morning–like most people do–and they pretty much know what to do without being told.

When my son was pre-school age, I used a chart for him on his wall as a sort of check-list for him, and that was a stretch, but not unrealistic. You think kids are going to respond to musical cues? Whose kids do you have? And how is this done? Do you have a playlist set up in their room that goes off at the right time? Or do you have to walk your iPod over there and hold it up in the room so they hear it… I just… I don’t understand all the logistics of this plan. This sounds complicated more than it does simplifying. How have kids gotten ready for school until now without songs to let them know? Try that musical crap with my boys and see what happens. No kids I know are going to give a shit about music. Kids respond to threats. That’s what I know. Forget about it.

And then–THEN–This lady suggests journaling while in car pool lines?

WHAT? No. Just no. Is that her answer to not Face-booking when you’re waiting in your car? Journaling? Should we do seated car-yoga poses while we’re at it? Maybe her idea was to let your frustrations out in the book rather than honking your horn and waving fingers at the other parents in cars who aren’t paying attention and are trapping you in. Maybe this lady gets honked at a lot. 

And this journal? You know where it came from? From a “she-mergency kit.”

Yea I can see that not being embarrassing.

“Hey honey, do you have a pen in your car that I can sign my check with?”

“Yes, dear, it’s located in my she-mergency kit.” *smile* And then also adjust your pearls and smooth your apron because you’re June-fucking-Cleaver.

There better be some Kit-Kats and Cadbury eggs in that she-merency kit, otherwise I’ll KNOW it’s a joke. Every “carpool emergency kit” needs chocolate. I didn’t see that in there, though.

I’m sorry. She seems like a lovely lady, and her family must be very lucky… But her ideas are just unrealistic. I don’t have a place in my home to store decorated, organizational soup cans on a three-tiered cupcake stand in my home. Our kids have to pull the pencils out of “the drawer” every day. And “the drawer” isn’t lined with cutesy contact paper, and doesn’t contain a special organizer for pencils, either. I guess she does have the space for this stuff. Maybe thinking up these brilliant ideas is what pays for her cupcake stands. I don’t know. Come to my house and pull this shit and see what happens. And we’re neat and orderly in our home and our kids aren’t horrible brats, either.

I feel like trying this one day, the music thing, recording it, and uploading it to the Internet. For fun. Let’s see how many times the boys ask me “uh what does that song mean?” And when I tell them it means eat your damn Cheerios, I could have told them that without Pharell’s help thank-you-very-much.

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